TEACHER noun person who impart knowledge, takes care of the sick, counsels, prison warder, solves crimes, marriage counsellor, sex therapist, transport officers, etc, etc, etc
I became aware of that such was the nature of my job a few weeks after I started. Imagine my surprise! Nobody mentioned this fact when I went to teachers' college. I wonder now if I would have stayed, had I known. I doubt it.
But, couple years ago I learned something else. I tell you, a school teaches one a lot. I learned that students took on some of the those roles that teachers aren't allowed to. You see, a teacher is not allowed to dispense medication to a child, without official permission and proper directions from a parent. You can understand why, right? While we do care for the sick and the faux elderly, we really aren't doctors or nurses. (Don't tell the parents who send their half dead and mutilated children to us every morning. We can't tell them these things, dem woulda say wi lie. Unless, of course a child dies during our watch. But that is a whole other blog.)
Anyways, I learned that students take on roles too. Ones, just like their teachers, they are not qualified to take up. For the greater good and the love of their classmates, they do these things. See, despite their conduct and irrational behaviours and thoughts, teens are really loving, compassionate souls who want their fellows to happy and well adjusted individuals. So, they help. One morning, just after worship (Yes, we still acknowledge God at schools here in Ja.) we heard a god-awful howling from downstairs. At first I ignored it. There is always some drama taking place and I am immune to most. Then the howling was joined by an equally heart wrenching scream. Then several other scary sounds started to terrible not-very-harmonious racket. That I couldn't ignore. Several teachers, after herding our respective prisoners inside and issuing all kinds of threats, rushed down stairs to investigate.
We found a chilling sight. Several Grade 7 boys were sprawled on the ground, holding their stomachs, screaming and writhing, apparently, in pain. When I say screaming, I mean bawling like dem mada dead dis mawning and funeral right bout fi start. The boys were in misery and not one could say what the problem was. After a few attempts to figure it out we noticed that some other boys had snuck out and were looking on with knowing smirks. So we asked them. This is how that conversation went:
Teach 1: Does anyone knows what's going on here?
Boys 1&2: No. (smirk smirk)
Boy 3: Yes. (giggle giggle)
Boy 1: Yuh chat to much. (Giggle giggle)
Boy 4: Mi know a wha. A good fi dem. Mi tell dem nu tek none.
Teachers: What? Tek what?
Boys 4&3: Di pill.
Teach 2: Pills!?
Teachers: What kind of pills did you take!!!!!?
Screamer 3: Mi a talk. A hood pill im gi wi!
Boys: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Screamer 3: Ah soandso cyar dem come sell wi an now mi a ded.
Teach 2: Hood pill? What's that?
Boy 4: Soandso cyar some pill an a sell dem...
Boy 1: 'Im say if you tek dem it mek you hood stand and cyaan go dung!
Teachers: (silence)
Boy 3: Soandso sell dem fi $50 a one. Mi no buy none.
Screamer 2: (screaming and writhing) Mi ah ded!!
Teach 1: Do you have any more? What type of pill? What colour is it? How many did you take?
Teach 2: But a wha wrong wid these boys though, eh? Hood pill?
Teach 3: See here now!! (kiss teeth and walks away) Call the nurse, somebody!
Screamer 1: Miss, mi ago ded. Soandso a try kill wi.
Soandso: (Coming toward the group) Is who tek nuff pill belly a hurt dem. Ah ongle two me tek. A greedy dem greedy, Miss.
Teach 1: So you took some pills to gain an erection?
Teach 2: Why do these boys need erections. And at school?
Wicked Teach: My question is why they need pills at this age? 12!!
Teach 3: Seriously. What is this world coming to?
Screamers: Woiiiiiiiiiiiiiwoiiiiiiiiiiiiiiwoiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Teach 1: Do you have any more of the pills?
Soandso: No Miss. Dem buy dem off.
Teach 1: What type of pills were they?
Nurse: What colour were they?
Teach 1: Where did you get them?
Soandso: Dem di reddish, Miss. Ah mi mada cabinet me tek dem out.
Nurse: I cannot do anything. Mi need fi know what kinda pill they are. They have to go hospital. And still dem goin to ask what dem take.
Wicked Teach: If dem don't know what kinda pill guess what they are going to do?
Screamers 1,2&4: What? (holding stomach and bawling)
Wicked Teach: Dem gwine cut off unnu penis.
Screamers: (silence)
Boy 4: Miss, dem cyaan go have no pickney?
Wicked Teach: No. Dem ago cut it off. You tek pill and doan know is what? Cyar dem gwaan before dem ded. See how unno fool! (Walks away)
Screamer 2: Yes, Miss!! Cyar mi. Mek dem cut off mi 'ood. Mi no haffi breed nobady. Mi no want fi ded. Cyar mi. Mi no want fi ded! Cyar mi mek dem cut it off.
Yup. Teenagers are angles. They are always trying to help each other get ahead in life.